Old school Amy Grant Christmas.
(Not THIS old school, but still one of my favorites.)
Now, I'll admit that there are LOTS of Christmas songs that bring tears to my eyes. (Another post for another time.) However, I can't recall an earlier song that wrecked me more than Amy Grant's "Breath of Heaven". Never before had I heard a song that challenged me to see the Christmas story through Mary's eyes - a series of events that didn't include stockings, carols, and presents.
Now - a little back-story.
The past several weeks have been - personally and professionally - extremely challenging. I am so grateful to be employed in a society where unemployment, lay-offs, and financial struggles are becoming more frequent. However, being "on the clock" from 7pm to 7am is hard on me. I don't have a normal sleep schedule, am often on the edge of exhaustion, and have had new health issues pop up that I didn't have before accepting this position. Now, I know that sounds A LOT like whining (*grin*), but I truly do have a grateful heart. I am confident that this is the position God chose for me. And - BONUS! - I work with the best people. They are incredible teachers, team members, and cheerleaders. I am convinced that your co-workers can make any work situation fun and enjoyable.
Personally, I have been contending for breakthrough with TBD. To be frank, I'm tired. I don't know how to accurately explain how one's spirit can tire, but if you have ever waited for something, you'll know exactly what I mean. I have struggled - even fought violently in the spirit - to hold on to the hope I know is mine. There are days I think TBD will never come, days I decide I'm going to move to a new city and start fresh, and days I don't even care. When I look back on my old posts on this blog, I can't believe how long I have been writing about this journey!
Now, back to Amy...
So there I am in my car, loving my Amy, and this line from "Breath of Heaven" pings my spirit:
"But I offer all I am
For the mercy of Your plan"
Ok, hmm. I started thinking about that statement - "the mercy of your plan". My first thought (and obviously the thought based in my flesh) was, "God, Your plan doesn't feel very merciful. How it is Your mercy to make me wait like this?"
Even now, as I write this post, the emotions are there. It doesn't feel like mercy. It feels like neglect. It feels like holding back. It feels like being forgotten. On my worst days, it feels like punishment.
BUT - what would mercy feel like? Getting my way? On my time-table? Honestly - YES.
I am so thankful that we serve a holy, just, and merciful God that allows us to feel our fleshly feelings, aren't you? Because what I realized - not at the time, but later - was that His plan IS MERCY. Do I really want my "perfect scenario"? No. Why?
Because that's not God's best. It's MY best.
Simply put - there is a reason that God has me in the waiting room. In His wisdom, my time is still in the future. So, I wait.
In the meantime, I have worked to (once again) pull up my boot-straps and carry on. Finding strength through friends that know my story, and looking to my Heavenly Father, placing my trust in Him.
I found such hope in this quote from Beth Moore:
While in God's waiting room, He won't waste a minute - working to build you into the kind of woman your destiny demands.
I just love that part - "working to build you into the kind of woman your destiny demands". I want that - I want to be molded and shaped into the woman God needs for my future. However, I had never made the connection that all this waiting is actually an expression of God's mercy. Because He knows it all - beginning, middle, and end - He can see what my future holds. He sees the face of my husband and children. He sees the history that has yet to be written. And in that knowledge, I find my hiding place. I can find strength there.
And THAT is the mercy of His plan.
