Mercy

While driving home from work last week - I decided there was only one answer for my holiday-related music needs:

Old school Amy Grant Christmas.

(Not THIS old school, but still one of my favorites.)

Now, I'll admit that there are LOTS of Christmas songs that bring tears to my eyes. (Another post for another time.) However, I can't recall an earlier song that wrecked me more than Amy Grant's "Breath of Heaven". Never before had I heard a song that challenged me to see the Christmas story through Mary's eyes - a series of events that didn't include stockings, carols, and presents.

Now - a little back-story.

The past several weeks have been - personally and professionally - extremely challenging. I am so grateful to be employed in a society where unemployment, lay-offs, and financial struggles are becoming more frequent. However, being "on the clock" from 7pm to 7am is hard on me. I don't have a normal sleep schedule, am often on the edge of exhaustion, and have had new health issues pop up that I didn't have before accepting this position. Now, I know that sounds A LOT like whining (*grin*), but I truly do have a grateful heart. I am confident that this is the position God chose for me. And - BONUS! - I work with the best people. They are incredible teachers, team members, and cheerleaders. I am convinced that your co-workers can make any work situation fun and enjoyable.

Personally, I have been contending for breakthrough with TBD. To be frank, I'm tired. I don't know how to accurately explain how one's spirit can tire, but if you have ever waited for something, you'll know exactly what I mean. I have struggled - even fought violently in the spirit - to hold on to the hope I know is mine. There are days I think TBD will never come, days I decide I'm going to move to a new city and start fresh, and days I don't even care. When I look back on my old posts on this blog, I can't believe how long I have been writing about this journey!

Now, back to Amy...

So there I am in my car, loving my Amy, and this line from "Breath of Heaven" pings my spirit:

"But I offer all I am

For the mercy of Your plan"

Ok, hmm. I started thinking about that statement - "the mercy of your plan". My first thought (and obviously the thought based in my flesh) was, "God, Your plan doesn't feel very merciful. How it is Your mercy to make me wait like this?"

Even now, as I write this post, the emotions are there. It doesn't feel like mercy. It feels like neglect. It feels like holding back. It feels like being forgotten. On my worst days, it feels like punishment.

BUT - what would mercy feel like? Getting my way? On my time-table? Honestly - YES.

I am so thankful that we serve a holy, just, and merciful God that allows us to feel our fleshly feelings, aren't you? Because what I realized - not at the time, but later - was that His plan IS MERCY. Do I really want my "perfect scenario"? No. Why?

Because that's not God's best. It's MY best.

Simply put - there is a reason that God has me in the waiting room. In His wisdom, my time is still in the future. So, I wait.

In the meantime, I have worked to (once again) pull up my boot-straps and carry on. Finding strength through friends that know my story, and looking to my Heavenly Father, placing my trust in Him.

I found such hope in this quote from Beth Moore:

While in God's waiting room, He won't waste a minute - working to build you into the kind of woman your destiny demands.

I just love that part - "working to build you into the kind of woman your destiny demands". I want that - I want to be molded and shaped into the woman God needs for my future. However, I had never made the connection that all this waiting is actually an expression of God's mercy. Because He knows it all - beginning, middle, and end - He can see what my future holds. He sees the face of my husband and children. He sees the history that has yet to be written. And in that knowledge, I find my hiding place. I can find strength there.

And THAT is the mercy of His plan.

Keep on Jloggin' - and a Message from Management

Couch to 5K Update:

This morning was W1D2. (Yep, that's running jargon, people! See how quickly I've integrated myself into the running world? Impressive!) For you non-jloggers, that's Week 1 Day 2. I decided to do my workout on the treadmill and it was MUCH easier.

Waking up this morning I felt AWFUL. I had a headache, and I was up at 2:30am with allergy issues. Needless to say, the LAST thing I wanted to do was run. However, I pressed through and once I got started I felt so much better. I was really proud that I didn't let my lack of consistent sleep and headache get me down!!

I have decided that I'm going to do two of my three weekly runs on the treadmill and one run outside. Several reasons:

1. Running on the treadmill was awesome to keep a consistent pace. I kept the elevation at 0.0 (flat surface), so I was able to just focus on keeping a 3.5mph walk and a 5.0mph run. It was great! Still broke a sweat, but didn't feel like I was going to die after each running interval!

2. The treadmill made time-keeping easier. Trying to keep track of a 60 second run and a 90 second walk requires brain tricks, people! Being able to glance down at the timer on the treadmill rather than my watch was very easy. I'm thinking of making a sticker for the treadmill that lets me know my time changes. (i.e. Walk 0:00-5:00, run 5:00-6:00, walk 6:00-7:30, run 7:30-8:30, etc.)

3. I want to keep my outside run because I like being outside! I have loved being able to breathe the fresh air in the morning! I also want to keep up practicing different elevations and terrains.

So - day 2 completed and still trucking! I have yet to remedy some of the "technical" issues from my last post, but we're making progress!

Message from Management:

I don't know if anyone has noticed (or cares), but I haven't mentioned TBD in a while. In fact, I was thinking the other day if it's time to change my blog name. However, I decided against it.

Here's why:

I want to say that while it seems that I'm making these changes for myself, I'm also making them for TBD. I want to be the healthiest person I can be - for me, for him, and for our children. These changes I'm making are lifelong, not temporary. Finishing school has been incredible, but I feel like now that I've graduated, I have entered a new season transforming myself. Sounds kinda cheesy, but I'm ready to focus on who God has called me to be - inside, outside, and all over.

I felt like I needed to say that - maybe just for myself. I talked the other day about finding motivation to run. TBD and our future kids are GREAT motivation. I want to live a long, healthy life with the husband and children God has promised me - what better motivation??

Potpourri

Let me first start by saying that this post is NOT related to potpourri directly. While potpourri is lovely [READ: in moderation, and - say - at your grandma's house], it is not an integral component here. I just like that title for the mixed bag of randomness that's about to take place.

I'll just give in 100% to my OCD tendencies and make some pretty titles so we can all follow along easily, m'kay?

Wild Olive T-Shirts

I ask you, who doesn't love a good t-shirt about Jesus? I'm not talking about a t-shirt with an ichthys, or "My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter". These are trendy t-shirts for the fashion-minded.

I just recently purchased the "Beloved" shirt, and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. What's so awesome is that they have tons of verses to choose from, and they are getting ready to release a kids line of t-shirts! As for me, the "Beauty from Ashes" shirt is next on my list! Amie and Kristen are part of this amazing company - so go check 'em out and get yourself a sweet tee and "Get Your Verse On"!

Random Confession

I don't know if I've previously confessed this in my past entries about my quirks, but I am totally and completely in love with dishes. I don't know if you follow, The Pioneer Woman, but she had these dishes on her site last week, and I haven't stopped thinking about them ever since! Seeing these awesome dishes made me start thinking about - um - please don't judge me - all the amazing things I'll get to register for when TBD and I get married! [DISCLAIMER: I understand that marriage is not about the stuff, but sometimes I get excited thinking about the stuff.] For example, this, this, and this. Just to name a few items off the top of my head. :o)

Speaking of My Wedding...

Has everyone seen this video?

SO AMAZING! I love this idea and have already put several friends on "alert". I have even had an offer by a TRUE friend to do the worm. It's going to be classic!

I thought I had just a million other things to share, but they escape me now! If I think of it later, you may get two entries in ONE week! Woo hoo!

If______, then ______.

I am currently reading "Approaching the Heart of Prophecy" by Graham Cooke.

In a word:

Ohmywordthisbookissogoodeveryoneshouldreadit.

Tonight, I had this passage jump out at me:

"The whole essence of prophecy is that we need to let the Holy Spirit fire our spirits. Personally, the fact that God loves me is the single most important truth in my life. I know that He loves me. I wake up every day convinced of the love of God, convinced that something wonderful is going to happen today between the Lord and me, convinced that God is going to help me find a way through the problems I have in my life at the moment. God is going to do something terrific and dynamic and He is going to help me fight off the enemy and fight through the difficulties. Why? Because He loves me. It doesn't matter what is facing me in life at the moment, for I know that God is going to walk with me. The worst that can happen is that my situation doesn't change at all, but I know the presence of God. God will walk me through it. I'll have to go through everything and endure everything, but even in that, God will not leave me. His presence will be with me. He will be with me even until the end of the age. The absolute best that can happen is that He changes everything and my concerns disappear. The worst that can happen is that I get to walk by faith a while longer. His presence is with me as I endure, and even the struggle is wonderful."

Oh, excuse me while I get some ice for that "Slap Me in the Face" good revelation.

I just have to pull this one portion out of that passage:

"The worst that can happen is that my situation doesn't change at all, but I know the presence of God."

That is so powerful. Am I content with my situation not changing, if I know the presence of God??

After reading that passage tonight I was reminded of something Beth Moore was talking about in our study on Esther this week. [Seriously, I need to be on that woman's marketing team! I talk about it all the time!!] Beth was talking about fear. She challenged us to face what fears us the most [abandonment, insecurity, etc.] with this idea:

If____________, then _____________.

Ok, so for me, it might read, "If I never get married, then I'll be alone all my life." "If I never get married, then I'll never get to have a child of my own." "If I never get married, then no one will take care of me." Beth so brilliantly conveyed that when we fill in these blanks in our "natural man" [our flesh], the enemy will attack that over, and over, and over.

We have to trust God. Period.

Trust.

In our spirt, the sentence should read:

If_________, then GOD.

God will redeem.

God will answer.

God will protect.

God will hear my every prayer.

Did you know the most frequent command in the Bible is "Do not be afraid"? I didn't. But it's true! We are so blessed to have Christ and the Holy Spirit. When Christ said, "Take courage", He meant take it from HIM. He has it. He wants so badly to give us courage!! Oh, that was such a powerful revelation for me!!

This week I am challenging myself to fill in the blanks in my "spirit man". If I never get married, GOD WILL STILL BE GOD. If I never get married, HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME. If I never get married, I will still have His presence. And that is more than I deserve.

I talked about Meredith Andrews a few days ago, and she has this incredible song called "Treasure". The lyrics are so powerful, I hope you'll take few minutes to read through them, or better yet, just buy the song on iTunes!!

Treasure

It's not what You do for me

It's not what You give to me

It's not about anything, but You my King

'Cause You are more beautiful

Than anything in this world

Even more wonderful than any gift You bring

My treasure is You, there's no other

My treasure is You, more than gold

Heaven and earth, they have lost their luster

You alone are the treasure that I hold

Nothing can take away; nothing can separate

Nothing can come between Your heart and mind

'Cause You are my everything, the hope of eternity

And You will forever be the Love of my life

My treasure is You, there's no other

My treasure is You, more than gold

Heaven and earth, they have lost their luster

You alone are the treasure that I hold

Your love is hidden in my heart

And my heart is hidden in Your love

Your love is hidden in my heart

And my heart is hidden in Your love

My treasure is You, there's no other

My treasure is You, more than gold

Heaven and earth, they have lost their luster

You alone are the treasure that I hold.

Tick, Tock...

I am in the throw's of Beth Moore's study on Esther. Let me just confirm your thoughts that this bible study is REALLY good. In fact, I might classify it in my favorite category, "Slap You in the Face, Good."

I was working on one of the homework's last night and I had this statement resonate so deep in my spirit that I had to share it. I'm sure Beth won't mind!!

"I don't know exactly how God perfects plans that seem so bleak to us in process, but these two things I know: He never takes His eyes off of us or the ticking clock over us. He is hard at work in your life, and the same eye that's on the sparrow is on the wristwatch."

Just sit with that a minute.

I'll wait.

At first I thought of my "TBD Clock". Then God showed me that my life [in clock form] doesn't look like this:

It looks like this:



I have a clock for TBD, for nursing school, for all kinds of things. And the Lord not only is intimately acquainted with each of my clocks, knowing exactly what time it is; but He also is intimately acquainted with each one of YOUR clocks.

He knows.

He's watching.

Wow.

God's Kindness

In addition to being, oh you know, the most powerful Being, Ruler and Creator of Heaven and earth, our God is kind.

He is a mysterious contradiction in terms.

He is a powerful, warring King, yet a sweet Abba Father who delights in His children.

Today I experienced His lovingkindness, this time from someone who doesn't know me well, doesn't know what has already been spoken this year...just someone who listens to the Lord.

This person grabbed me after church and said, "Your time is coming. He is being gathered in the fields and brought to you."

That was it. So simple...and so powerful.

I am so thankful to the Lord that in the first 18 days of 2009, I have received so many words and scriptures about TBD. It is life-giving to my soul. I am giving God all the glory. He is so kind to His children!

Jeremiah 31:3 says, "The Lord appeared to him for afar, saying, 'I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness.'"

Closing Remarks...

Welcome back peeps!

Man, I love the holidays. Hope yours was filled with joy, peace, and blessing!

Around these parts, we had a great week. It was pretty much filled with the following:

1. Eating
2. Watching movies
3. Snacking
4. Opening presents
5. Napping

So fun! Here's a little pic of Tucker looking cute and Christmas-y.



I am in the process of organizing and getting my *life* ready for 2009. Jen and I had dessert and wine last night and we were talking about how life was so different this time last year. Then, we started looking forward to what life will look like on December 28, 2009! Let's just say a baby and a wedding people. A baby and a wedding.

In addition to getting organized, I am asking the Lord for an inheritance word for 2009 and also a word, just one word, for the year. I got the idea for the "one word" from a really cool lady, Ali Edwards. I'm putting a Jesus twist on it, but I think it's such a neat idea. Read about it here.

I'm pretty set on my word for 2009 being "present". I want to be present in every situation. Not being hurried to think about the next thing to do or 23 other things I need to be doing, but pause...and just be. Present. Cool stuff.

I think my inheritance word might be Luke 1:45, "And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what had been spoken to her by the Lord."

Mary and I are running pretty tight these days, no?

I hope each of you has a blessed LAST week of 2008! See ya'll in 2009!

Sowing Seeds

I had an awesome lunch with Monica on Monday and she asked me a very sweet question. She said, "Are you sowing into the promise TBD like Sam and Jen sowed into the promise of a baby by putting together their nursery?"

Let me explain.

With the promise of a baby grasped tightly next to their hearts, Sam and Jen set out to furnish and prepare a nursery for the baby they would bring home someday. It was AWESOME. God gave them their first baby just a few months later! Obviously this is the short version...you simply must read every letter, sentence, and punctuation of that blog.

Anyway, I was so excited to answer YES! to Monica's question. I have been sowing into the promise of a husband and family. While I'm not planning my wedding [just yet], I am making preparations.

Monica said she had a "TBD gift" she wanted to get me. Here they are!!

TBD's luggage tag:


And my luggage tag:

[I'm sorry, but does sista-friend know me, or does sista-friend KNOW ME?!?!]

It's so encouraging to have people walking this path with me and helping me sow into my promise!!! Mon, you're awesome! Thanks for sowing with me!


"Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary." Isaiah 40:31

Am I being Punk'd???

Ok, seriously, am I?

Some of you may recall a brief stint I had with internet dating.  Please hear me when I say that I know it has worked for lots and lots of people.  One of my friends from college met her husband online.

I think it's just me.

So, over a year ago I met this guy online and he was awesome.  Well, we had great conversation.  Let's just say we were unequally yoked.  Yes, he was a believer, but I think we were in different places in our walks.

Basically, he thought I was a Jesus freak.  :o)  Which I found amusing.

Long story short, this guy was at a crossroads and we lost contact for about 2 weeks.  When I finally heard from him [via email], he seemed to be emerging from his "issues" and was really excited to tell me about them.

I was feeling encouraged,  I was thinking, "Wow, he's really getting it together.  This is great!"

Slow it down, sister.

He then proceeds to tell me [remember, over email] that he had started dating an old friend and was basically giving me the brush off.  Awesome.  Generously, he hoped we could still be friends.  [Please note sarcasm.]  I responded that a girl, ANY girl, deserves better than the email brush off.  Best of luck, BUH-BYE.

Flash forward to tonight.  This clown has tracked me down on Facebook.  WHAT?  Seriously dude, I don't want to be your friend that bad.  

Now, I don't really know Facebook etiquette, so I accepted his friend request.  I'm thinking, maybe he will just leave me an annoying message and that will be it.

Cue Aston and the "Punk'd" crew.

No, he starts TALKING TO ME on Facebook.  He's making conversation like it was October 2007.  Pardon?  So strange.  

TBD...hurry the heck up so I can be DONE WITH THIS MESS!

Take it From a Girl Who Knows...

You know, it's good to have a friend who is on the other side of a mountain of "promise". Like a coach, a cheerleader, and a foothold. It's good.

Girlfriend will not stop.

Here is a poem she directed me to this week. If you're waiting for something, be sure to get some tissues.

"Wait"

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, he replied

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate

The Master said gently, "Child, you must wait."

"WAIT!," you say, "Wait!," my indignant reply

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is your hand shortened, or have you not heard?

By faith I have asked and I'm claiming your word!

My future and all to which I relate

Hangs in the balance and you tell me, 'Wait?'

I am needing a 'Yes' or a 'Go ahead' sign

Or even a 'No' to which I could resign.

And Lord, you have promised that if we believe

We need but to ask and we shall receive.

And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry,

I am weary of asking, I need a reply!"

And quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes met with mine

And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign...

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun,

I could raise the dead and cause the mountains to run,

All you seek I could give and pleased you would be

You would have what you want... But you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint

You'd not know the power I give to the faint

You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair

You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there

You'd not know the joy of just resting in Me

When darkness and silence is all you can see

You'd never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.

You'd know that I give and I save for a start

But you'd not know the depth and beat of My heart

The glow of My comfort late in the night

The faith that I give when you walk without sight

The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask

An infinite God who makes what you have last.

And you never would know Should your pain quickly flee

What it means that, My grace is sufficient for thee!

Yes, your dreams for that loved one O're night would come true

But the loss, if you lost what I'm doing in you.

So be silent, my child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.

And how often may My answers seem terribly late

My most precious answer of all is still, 'WAIT!'"

Slap me in the face, good.

For the Record...

I'm sure some of you missed last night's show, "17 Children and Counting" on TLC.

Confession...I am intrigued by the Duggar family. And I know of at least one reader [who shall remain nameless, but you know who you are] that shares my feelings.

Check out their website.

So last night's episodes detailed the engagement of the Duggar's oldest son, Josh, to Anna. Overall, it was really sweet and touching...I mean, who doesn't love an engagement story with a happy ending?

HOWEVER, there were a few items of note that I feel like I need to address. I have a feeling that a few of you may be asked, hopefully in the near future, about planning the AWESOMEST. PROPOSAL. EVER. Seeing how Josh & Anna's proposal went down makes me feel like I need to be clear on just a few things. Let's begin.

1. Asking the girl's father for her hand in marriage - YES.
2. Proposing at a restaurant with the name "Gator" in it - NO.
3. Praying about your relationship - YES.
4. Proposing at a restaurant with alligators dressed as humans - NO.
5. Delivery man pushing a dolly entering the engagement scene - NO.
6. Awkward side hug after she says "YES" because you won't kiss until you're married - NO. NO. Ok, one more...NO.
7. Man wearing jorts [jean shorts] and a wifebeater at the table next to you - NO.

Are we clear? Good. Now, let's move on.

The next episode was on Duggar dating rituals which basically included NO dating and always having a chaperone around because, as little Jessa put it, "Being on your own, bad things can happen." So basically this left poor Josh and Anna clinging to each other's hands because that was the only thing they were going to do during their courtship.

Much to my surprise there is a rouge Duggar! Cousin Amy came by to congratulate Josh and Anna. She was wearing JEANS. She had SHORT HAIR. Scandal!!! She was HI-LARIOUS. I believe I can best sum up her personality in the following quote:

"If Josh wants to get married...let 'em have it."

Oh cousin Amy, how I've longed for you.

Anywho, let's all keep these things in mind when the time comes, k?

The Calendar

I was planning to post this yesterday, but I thought with all the Throwback Thursday excitement, I wouldn't want to take away from all the fun.

I think I may have mentioned this before, but I have this daily tear off calendar that my Mom bought me for Christmas last year. I will free my Mom from any responsibility, as I asked for this calendar. It's a daily tidbit of "encouragement" from Joyce Meyer. Now, I say "encouragement" loosely, mostly because I typically have one of the following reactions to each day's comment:

1. Slap-You-In-The-Face-Good
2. "Hmmm....lame"
3. "I have no idea what's she's talking about"
4. "Dang...that was kind of harsh"
5. Slap-Joyce-In-The-Face-Annoying
   

The following quote I'm about to share with you is from yesterday and falls into the #5 category. Judge for yourself:

"The Bible says that if we have hope, then we will wait on God with an attitude of patience and composure. In other words, while we're waiting on God, we're not going to be frustrated and upset. We're not going to be frantic and fearful...We're just going to say, 'I see it in my heart even though I don't see it in the natural yet. God will bring it at the right time.' We wait for it with patience and composure if we have hope."

Seriously Joyce? Clearly Joyce hasn't had to wait very long for anything. Thank goodness no one has asked me to do a daily calendar because it would be a Jekyll and Hyde scenario, and what I was REALLY thinking yesterday when I ready this. Here's what my calendar would look like:

"The Bible says that if we have hope, then we will wait on God with an attitude of patience and composure. [But let's get serious, sometimes we just want to lay in the fetal position and cry 'till it hurts and our eyes are puffy and red.] In other words, while we're waiting on God, we're not going to be frustrated and upset. [Ok, maybe we will get frustrated and upset at times, but that's OK too. God knows we're doing our best.] We're not going to be frantic and fearful [lie]...We're just going to say [on a good day], 'I see it in my heart even though I don't see it in the natural yet. God will bring it at the right time.' We wait for it with patience and composure if we have hope [most of the time]."

Now, I can respect the fact that there is something about yesterday's calendar that I found so annoying...I must have needed it. Perhaps I'm just in a cynical part of my waiting period. But waiting isn't always pretty and hopeful. It's dark, scary, and ugly. BUT, the great thing is...and what I wish Joyce would have said, is that I don't always have to put on a "brave face" for God. I don't feel like I have to keep my chin up every day. I'm OK with having days when I have to rest on His grace and mercy because I can't muster one positive idea about waiting. His grace covers all my emotions...even the ugly "I'm tired of waiting ones".

Put THAT on a calendar. :o)

Throwback Thursday - Friday Edition

Once again, Throwback Thursday is falling on Friday. What can I say? I'm a busy girl.

Anyway, I thought with all this preparation talk, it might be fun to show ya'll the best role models for marriage that a girl could ever ask for.


Yup, that's Chazz and Mary on March 22, 1974. They will be celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in March! They are my flippin' sweet parents. [And yes, Chazz is wearing a crushed velvet jacket. Classy!]

Anyway, they have been a blessing to me, and I hope that someday TBD and I will share the same kind of friendship, committment, and love that they do!

Slap You in the Face Good

Have you ever come across something that is so good you feel like it's slapping you in the face? Recently I bought a pair of green flats at DSW on sale that I felt were "Slap You in the Face" good.

But that's not the kind of good I'm talking about today.

Let me put it another way. My girls and I once said that worship had "rocked us to the core". It was that good.

Get the drift?

Anyway, after my last blog, my friend Jen wrote this quote in her comment to me... it was "Slap You in the Face" "Rocked us to the core" good.

"Father God, you are risking more than we if Your promises are not kept. True, our souls are at stake, but You stand to lose your character."

Slap. Me. In. The. Face. Good.

And then, as if she couldn't be stopped, this came this morning:

Romans 4:20-21, "He [Abraham] did not waiver at the promise of God, and being fully convinced that what He had promised He would also be able to perform."

Rocked. Us. To. The. Core.

Now, I'll be honest. My sweet, dear friend has gotten her promise...thank you JESUS! So I had to remind myself that she's looking at promise from a whole new angle that I am. And that's a good thing. I need people with fulfilled promised to keep me pressing on towards my promise.

So thanks, friend. I love ya.

Preparation

Tomorrow is the big day...I move back with Chazz & Mary. It's funny...I'm having no emotions as I pack, but every time I take a picture off the wall, THAT makes me want to cry.

There is something so important about my experience living by myself. I learned more about who I am as a person than I ever imagined. It is a unique experience that not many people ever have. But I did it, for almost 4 years. There were times when the silence was a gift, and other times it was deafening. It was scary, and it was wonderful!

But tomorrow is a new day. A BIG new day. I feel like there is a new season beginning, and that is really exciting to me. I have never felt closer to God's promises than I do today. I have heard from more than one person that this is a time of preparation for TBD. 'Cause I'm that kind of girl, I had to look it up:

Prepare: to put in proper condition or readiness, to make ready beforehand for a specific purpose.

Oooh, I love that. Naturally, I had to see what the Word said about preparation. Mostly it seems to be in the context of preparing food, or preparing the tabernacle, etc. But I found this verse that jumped out at me:

Isaiah 40:3 "A voice of one calling: 'In the desert prepare the way for the LORD; make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God'."

Oh baby, I am making a highway in my wilderness of waiting for God to move MIGHTILY! If that means that my Mama is going to tuck me in at night, so be it!

Prepare me Lord! Try my heart and teach me YOUR ways during this time of divine preparation for the man you have for me. [And do it quick!]

Throwback Thursday - The Luck O' the Irish

Two years ago today, I was in Ireland. It was the trip of a lifetime!


Looks fake, right? This was outside our hotel that happened to be a castle. Yep, a castle!



Here's yours truly in an area of Dublin called Temple Bar. It's a really cool area with a bunch of little shops, cafes, and well, bars. We were in the gift shop and I spotted this sweatshirt that had TBD on the front. Temple Bar Dublin...or TBD my husband?!? I decided that everyone who was part of this process with me should receive gifts with TBD on it! :o) If only I had packed a bigger bag...

Running the Race...

Today is September 1st. It's not August anymore.

Am I disappointed? Of course.

Am I discouraged? Honestly, I was.

Thrown off course? Never.

Here's what I do know.

God is still the same God that He was on August 31st. He is good...always.

I am reminded of this scripture in Hebrews:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

I really like this version in The Message:

Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

Pretty sweet, right?

I love the part where it says we are to run the race marked out for us. Not the race marked out for a friend or family member. My race.

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to see Nathan Morris speak. Talk about running a race. I can't do justice to his testimony, but it's so extreme, he has no choice but to be totally extreme for Jesus! He referenced the scripture in 2 Kings 2:1-14 when Elijah was taken to heaven, leaving Elisha behind. Nathan talked about the cloak that Elijah left behind and how we, as God's children, each have our own cloak, or mantle to carry. He challenged the crowd to look what mantles we have either put down, or never picked up. Mantles for ministry, mantles of favor, mantles of evangelism. Whatever it is, we need to pick up the mantle God has for us. We need to run the race!

I don't know why this is my mantle, but I know that it's the mantle that was chosen for me by a Guy who loves me more than I will ever understand. I consider it a challenge and an honor to run this race and not look back!

The Bucket List

For those that haven't see it, The Bucket List is a film starting Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson, as two fogies who make a list of things they want to do before they "kick the bucket".

I haven't actually seen the movie...well, I did see it, I just couldn't hear it. It was being shown on a flight I was on from Arizona, but I couldn't get my stupid iPod buds to connect. And you can be sure I wasn't going to give the airline the satisfaction of getting $1 from me for their headphones. They try to make it better by saying you get to keep them, but seriously people, the jig is up. You're broke. We get it.

But I digress.

Anyway, I was on my way home tonight and I saw something that spurred me to create my own version of The Bucket List. This list isn't about things I'd like to do before I die. I have a list like that already.

It's cleverly called, "Things to do Before I Die". You get it.

This list is really special. My Bucket List contains qualities, characteristics, etc., of guys that would make our relationship "kick the bucket". Deal breakers, if you will. Please indulge me on the few I've already come up with:

1. Radar Detectors: this is only cool if you are either a) 16 years old, or b) one of the cast members of The Fast and the Furious. I mean the original one. Not the other ones. We're talking Vin Diesel. Anyway, I have been a lead foot for quite some time. No radar detector. No tickets. If you're over, say, 21 years of age you need to ditch it and either risk a ticket or slow down.
2. Dirty Fingernails: my Grandmother once broke up with a boy because he had dirt under his fingernails. I think she was on to something. If it worked for her, it can work for me. Dirty nails are the gateway drug to wet towels on the bathroom floor and jock itch from day old boxers. No deal.

I'm sure the Bucket List will grow over time. For now, it's just these two items. I will keep you posted on any updates!

Signs & Wonders...or Shock & Awe?

I love the term "shock and awe". One the one hand, it stirs up a strong sense of patriotism, on the other, I think it's hilarious. I looked up "shock and awe" on Wikipedia [the authority] and here's the definition:

Shock and awe, technically known as rapid dominance, is a military doctrine based on the use of overwhelming power, dominant battlefield awareness, dominant maneuvers, and spectacular displays of force to paralyze an adversary's perception of the battlefield and destroy its will to fight.

Today, I felt like God launched a "shock and awe" campaign on me. I stopped into CVS to pick up some gum and a bottle of water for church, which I never do, when the attack happened. I was walking out when I saw a sign CVS had posted for an upcoming event. What's weird is that it said the name of the event and then for the date it said, "August TBD". Ok, now I see "TBD" listed places a lot. Usually I smile and move on. But seeing "August TBD" today was different. It stopped me in my tracks. I looked at the sign for a few seconds, seeing only "August TBD". Needless to say, God "rapidly dominated" me with a reminder of His promise, and His "overwhelming power". He is so good!!

I don't know what it means, if it means that something is coming up, but I do believe that He uses "shock and awe" tactics to get our attention sometimes. Believe me, I needed it!

All I Can Say

So, today I'm having one of those "blah" days. Can anyone relate? There were two times today that I displayed less than desirable behavior, and that always makes me feel icky. Because I'm sensitive and a little edgy tonight, my mind goes to it's favorite place..."Where is TBD? Land". Sadly, this is no theme park...no rides, no candy. Just a humble woman, on her knees, wondering why she's feeling alone and abandoned in the waiting room.

As all of you know, my new favorite blog is Angie Smith's story. I don't know if any of you have taken a moment to listen to the song that plays, but it hits me every time. Her story is so raw, and tonight I'm feeling raw. Anyway, here are the lyrics for the main song on her page.

All I Can Say--David Crowder Band

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me crying?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where You sat it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice that You were crying too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

Songs like this make me want to take a bath, get in bed, and never get up again. So powerful and raw. Such a frighteningly powerful sentiment tonight. Anyway, I guess raw is good sometimes, right? Being pulled [or thrown, as the case may be] to my knees causes me to continually focus back on the One who has the plans. For now, this song is all I can offer.